People Pleaser Type: The Avoider
Each month from now through the end of this year, I’m going to focus on one of the five types of people pleasers identified in July’s blog, “Not All People Pleasers Are Created Equal.” (If you haven’t read it yet, you can do so here. You can also take the initial “Are You a People Pleaser” quiz here.)
This month, we’re focusing on The Avoider.
Who Is the Avoider?
The Avoider steers clear of conflict in all its many forms, whether an ongoing debate, a passive aggressive remark, an all-out screaming match, or even an imagined disagreement. The conflict could be direct or merely perceived, but even when very real or very probable, the lengths to which the Avoider will go to avoid it can be unreasonable or disproportional. They may completely avoid a coworker with whom they’ve had conflict in the past or they may tiptoe around topics they know to be hot-button issues for certain family members. An Avoider might often worry that something they said has caused offense or division when in truth, others hardly noticed or have already moved on. What makes the Avoider an avoider has less to do with the type of conflict, its intensity, or its tangibility, and much more to do with the fear of experiencing any conflict whatsoever. For an Avoider, being caught in an argument is a nightmare; being the cause of it is their worst nightmare.
Am I An Avoider?
Do any of the following statements sound like you?
I will sit through a movie I dislike rather than ask my friend to watch something else.
I stopped folding my partner’s laundry because they didn’t like the way I did it once.
I will complete a work project the wrong way rather than question my superior, whom I’ve known to be defensive in the past.
I will skip out on an event I’ve been looking forward to if I learn a particular person will be there.
From Avoider to Accepter
If your life is marked by behaviors similar to those described above, you might be wasting precious time and energy avoiding disagreements which may or may not ever happen. Conflict isn’t comfortable for anyone, but if you’re highly allergic, even the slightest residual tension in the air might trigger a negative reaction. But it doesn’t have to be this way forever. While it may be undesirable, every day, people are passing through conflicts of all shapes and sizes and coming out the other side without any permanent damage. It’s possible for you to do the same.
Need Some Support as You Move from Avoider to Accepter?
Therapy can help you learn to accept the reality of conflict and gauge when you’re reacting appropriately to the situation. It can also equip you with the necessary tools for settling conflict in a healthy way. Imagine if your conflict-avoiding could be transformed into conflict-accepting, or even peace-making! If you’re looking for someone to help you identify and understand your people pleasing tendencies, I’m Ashley Pichardo, a licensed mental health counselor, and I’m here to help. When you’re ready, please don’t hesitate to reach out.
