Not All People Pleasers Are Created Equal
Last month, I posted a people pleaser quiz. If you haven’t taken it yet, let me encourage you to give it a try before reading on. You can do so here. You may have noticed certain statements fit you to the T while others seem less relatable. If you’re wondering why, the explanation is simple: There’s more than one type of people pleaser.
Not only are there various ways to people please, but there are also numerous underlying motivations. Take the person who simply cannot pick the restaurant for a group. They’d rather fake a dental emergency than make the final decision about where to eat. But why? It’s possible that they don’t value their own opinion enough to speak up. However, it’s also possible that they can’t handle the pressure of potentially choosing a restaurant someone else will hate. Then again, maybe seeing someone else enjoy a meal brings them greater pleasure than enjoying their own meal ever could.
If you’re someone who struggles with people pleasing behaviors and feels the need to develop a stronger sense of self or learn how to become your own advocate, then you might find it helpful to identify your personal brand of people pleasing, including the how and why you engage in people pleasing behaviors. To start, let’s take a quick look at five common types of people pleasers.
The Avoider
The Avoider is the person who will go to almost any length to avoid conflict. Keep in mind, conflict isn’t limited to fighting and arguing. It also includes the tension left hanging in the air when someone is obviously uncomfortable with what was just said. In the above example of picking a restaurant, cuisine and ambience are likely not even a factor for the Avoider. They just don’t want to be caught in a disagreement. They certainly don’t want to be the cause of one.
The Care-taker
The Care-taker believes it’s their responsibility to take care of everyone else’s needs. When choosing a restaurant, they may find themselves overwhelmed with questions like, “Can everyone afford this place? Is there a place for my sister’s kids to play? Do they serve gluten-free options for my aunt?” Being considerate is one thing, but the Care-Taker tends to take care of everyone but themselves. Their mantra is, “Oh, don’t worry about me. I just want everyone else to have a good time!”
The Anticipator
The Anticipator, on the other hand, may never even allow the question of where to eat come up for discussion. If they know someone enjoys a particular restaurant, they may preemptively suggest eating there or just decide for everyone. This is the Anticipator’s MO: Anticipate others’ wants and needs, then provide them without being asked. It’s not always a bad thing, but sometimes, others would really prefer to be asked first.
The Merger
The Merger might not have any qualms whatsoever about where to eat. They may be able to genuinely enjoy eating at any number of restaurants with any number of people. The Merger often finds their own personal tastes and opinions mirroring or blending with those they’re around, especially partners or close friends. What makes this people pleasing is that their interests and preferences can become so intertwined with someone else’s that they lose all sense of self.
The Complier
The Complier always agrees with everyone on everything, possibly to the point of contradiction. Wanna grab some street tacos? Yes. Wanna go to a fancy seafood restaurant? I’d love to. Wanna just get coffee now and eat leftovers when we get home? Sounds great. They can seem easy going, but they might not actually mean everything they say, which can negatively impact their relationships and their general wellbeing.
What’s Next?
Maybe you resonated with one or more of the above descriptions. However, if you’re still not sure which ones apply to you or how exactly they differ, that’s okay. Over the coming months, we’ll be digging into each of these five types of people pleasers one by one. In the meantime, if you’re looking for someone to help you identify and understand your people pleasing tendencies, I’m Ashley Pichardo, a licensed mental health counselor, and I’m here to help. When you’re ready, please don’t hesitate to reach out.
