You Deserve to Set & Maintain Boundaries – Here’s How to Do It
If someone asked you what a boundary is, you may think of a map or sports field. These are places that have clear boundaries that exist for a reason. On a map, boundaries tell you who owns a property, who is in charge of an area, and a whole range of other factors. Boundaries on sports fields are used as ways of defining the parameters of the game. Can you imagine a football game without any boundaries? It would be chaos. These types of physical boundaries exist for many reasons, and the same is true for our personal boundaries. You can set them to maintain physical distance, emotional stability, mental health, financial freedom, or personal safety. Setting boundaries simply tells another person what you need in order to feel safe and continue a relationship with them.
How to Set Boundaries
The most important thing about setting boundaries is to be clear. Say what you mean and mean what you say. The greater clarity you can provide for people, the better they can respect your boundary. Each person will take their own approach to setting boundaries. Remember, you don’t actually owe anyone an explanation for why you’re setting a boundary. You just get to set that boundary if you need it. For example, if someone speaks to you in a manner you find disrespectful, you can say, “Please don’t speak to me in that way.” If they refuse or get upset, you are allowed to remove yourself from the situation. You don’t need to apologize or explain. This can be difficult, especially if you’re a people pleaser, but setting boundaries in the moment is often the most effective way of making change.
This type of immediate boundary setting works well in personal settings. If the person you’re setting a boundary with is a colleague or boss, you may need to consider the situation and choose to address the boundary outside of the immediate situation. For example, if your coworker yells at you during a meeting, it may be appropriate to ask them to speak with you afterward. At that time, you can let them know you don’t appreciate the behavior. Each situation is unique, but make sure you are clearly stating the boundary in a safe way that will not put yourself or your career at risk. When appropriate, involve supervisors or human resources professionals.
You can also set boundaries before an incident occurs by asking to speak with someone specifically about the boundary. This type of boundary is beneficial when you want to maintain an existing relationship, but you know some things need to change in order for the relationship to be healthy. Again, clarity is key. Set your boundary. The other person can accept your boundary or not, but it’s not your responsibility to convince them it’s necessary or help them understand. If you want to and feel comfortable discussing the new boundary, you can, but you should never feel pressured to “sell” your boundary to someone else.
Tips for Maintaining (Or Changing Boundaries)
Maintaining boundaries is something that many people struggle with. If you set a good boundary and someone seems to respect it at the time only to cross that boundary later, you may struggle to reinforce that no. Self-doubt creeps in, and you tell yourself things like, “Maybe it wasn’t such a big deal if they didn’t even remember I set that boundary?” If you still feel uncomfortable or you want to maintain the boundary for any reason, it’s still a necessary boundary that you have every right to reinforce. If you find yourself in doubt, remember the two rules of boundaries:
First – You deserve to set and maintain boundaries
Second – You have the right to discontinue relationships with ANYONE who doesn’t respect your boundaries.
That’s it. Those are the rules. If you set boundaries and someone doesn’t respect them, you have a right to walk away. If you value the relationship, the other person should be willing to respect your boundaries no matter how many times you need to reinforce them. However, if a person continually disrespects your boundaries, it may be time to ask why you value that relationship in the first place.
Here are some simple tips for maintaining your boundaries:
Don’t be afraid to remind people about a boundary they cross. People forget. It may not be malicious or intentional.
Reestablish boundaries before beginning interactions with people who have crossed boundaries in the past.
Set boundaries for yourself. If you know an interaction will be difficult, set a time limit in advance, plan to do something calming after, or otherwise, take steps to protect yourself in the case that things don’t go well.
Lean on friends, loved ones, and professionals. As you’re setting and maintaining new boundaries, talk to your friends and loved ones (or a professional like me) about it. Hearing people affirm your right to set boundaries can help you stay confident and protect those boundaries.
One final thought – don’t stick to a boundary just because you set it. You’re allowed to change your boundaries. Just make sure that the decision to change your boundaries is based on your own needs and values and not caused by pressure or urging from other people.
Want to Talk About Boundaries?
Listen, I know none of this boundary setting stuff is easy. You will not nail this on your first try. Instead, you’re going to struggle. Maybe you’ll let go of some boundaries you need to hold onto and hold onto some that you can let go of. It’s all okay. If you’re struggling to set and maintain good boundaries or you’re not even sure where to begin, let’s talk. I’m Ashley Pichardo, a licensed mental health counselor. If you’re interested in getting better at boundary setting, I hope you’ll reach out soon to discuss how therapy can be an important part of that process.
