Understanding How Attachment Styles Impact Romantic Relationships

Attachment styles are the unconscious ways that we interact with people in relationships of all kinds (personal, professional, familial, romantic). These styles lead to sets of behaviors and habits that can be positive, promoting healthy connection, or destructive, leading to difficulties. If you’ve been struggling with relationships, especially romantic partnerships, understanding how your own and your partner’s attachment styles are impacting the relationship may make a big difference. Gaining more knowledge about attachment styles gives you the power to engage with your partner in ways that feel safe, stable, and healthy for both parties. Keep reading to learn a little more about each of the attachment styles and how they may impact romantic relationships. 

What are Attachment Styles?

You may have heard about attachment styles before. You may even have done some research to determine what your attachment style is, but it’s really important to understand that no one fits into these categories perfectly. That’s just human nature. We are all unique, and you may have any combination of behaviors described as belonging to the different attachment styles. You may even experience different types of attachment in different relationships. This is all completely natural.

For convenience and general understanding of attachment styles, therapists typically talk about the following four main categories of attachment that will be discussed in detail in this blog:

·      Anxious Preoccupied Attachment

·      Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

·      Fearful Avoidant Attachment

·      Secure Attachment

Anxious Preoccupied Attachment in Relationships

Romantic films and books frequently romanticize this attachment style. A person with anxious preoccupied attachment often feels unfulfilled or unhappy, and they believe this will change when they find the perfect person to rescue or complete them. Unfortunately, this attachment style leads to codependent behaviors. When the partner is offering reassurance and support, the anxious preoccupied person feels great, but if the partner does something that can be interpreted as less supportive, the anxious attached person can exacerbate the situation by overreacting or expecting the partner to correct the situation in extravagant or unrealistic ways.

In relationships, anxious preoccupied partners need to be given boundaries and take responsibility for their own emotions rather than relying on other people to make them happy or fulfilled. In order to make the anxious preoccupied person feel safe and stable, the partner should be willing to communicate honestly, provide supportive feedback and reassurance regularly, and be patient.

Dismissive Avoidant Attachment in Relationships

Individuals with this attachment style often struggle to attach to other people at all. They may deny their need for intimacy and avoid developing relationships. Their relationships are often short, and the other person in the relationship often feels unsure of where they stand. During conflict, a person with dismissive avoidant attachment is likely to shut down, walk away, or say they don’t care about the relationship.

In relationships, dismissive avoidant partners are unlikely to show interest in developing or maintaining the relationship. When a partnership feels like work, this person is likely to walk away. If they truly want to develop healthier relationships, the dismissive avoidant person needs to be willing to show vulnerability and undertake honest reflection about their needs. The partner needs to be confident, patient, and willing to give the dismissive avoidant person space as pushing dismissive avoidant people is likely to cause a rift.

Fearful Avoidant Attachment in Relationships

Fearful avoidant attachment often looks ambiguous. The person may seem to fluctuate dramatically between being needy and not at all interested in the relationship. This is the result of competing internal fears. The fearful avoidant person fears being alone and being hurt in equal measure, which is confusing for them and for their partners.

In relationships, this often feels like an emotional rollercoaster. The fearful avoidant partner expresses a need to be wanted, but if the partner responds positively, they may feel trapped. They need to be challenged to navigate and manage their own emotions in healthy ways outside of the relationship. Their partner needs to set healthy boundaries. At the same time, they should offer the fearful avoidant person support and stability while encouraging their independence.

Secure Attachment in Relationships

If you’re one of the lucky few who grew up with good examples of healthy, stable relationships, and you’ve developed secure attachments in your adult relationship, take some time to express gratitude for the people who offered you these healthy examples. Secure attachment means that a person is able to set good boundaries and develop healthy, intimate bonds based on realistic expectations and shared goals.

In a relationship, people with secure attachment feel safe and healthy and truly seek to connect with others. While they may partner with individuals who have other attachment styles, the person with secure attachment may feel overtaxed or as though they’re taking care of the other person. The partner should show appreciation for their partner’s stability and healthy relationship model. They should work toward developing secure attachment, taking responsibility for their own emotions, and setting healthy boundaries.

Working with a Therapist

Whether you’re worried about your own attachment style or your partner’s working with a therapist can help you to better understand the complex concerns that arise within relationships for individuals with any attachment style. I’m Ashley Pichardo, and as someone who has worked through challenges surrounding intergenerational trauma and attachment concerns, I know how difficult and complex these situations are. The good news is simple – trauma and relationship struggles will impact everyone’s life, but you don’t have to accept that your relationships will be hard because of your past. When you’re ready to build more stable and fulfilling relationships, I would love to hear from you. I make it simple to get started working together. You can contact me anytime, using my new client inquiry form.