Their Opinion Doesn’t Matter & Other Things I Wish I Knew Sooner
With age comes wisdom and sharing that wisdom important to my work as a therapist. Specifically, I often share learned wisdom about the ways I interact with other people. It’s easy for people, women especially, to feel the need to defer to other people or try to make changes to themselves when people express negative opinions of their behaviors, appearance, or other characteristics. One of the main things I wish I’d known sooner is simple – those people’s opinion really doesn’t matter in the long run. In this blog, I’m going to talk through a few of the common thought traps I’ve found myself stuck in throughout my life, and I’ll provide some tips for how to free yourself from these destructive thinking patterns.
Their Opinion Doesn’t Matter More Than Yours
When I say, “Their opinion doesn’t matter,” what I really mean to say is that one person’s opinion doesn’t have more value than your own. I don’t mean that you should never listen to or receive criticism and work to make improvements. We all need to know when we could do better. However, we need to approach criticism and feedback critically. Don’t immediately agree with others and make a change to please someone else. Instead, take the following question into consideration:
Do I value this person’s opinion?
What makes this person’s opinion of me relevant?
Is making this change going to benefit me personally or professionally beyond today?
Do I truly agree with this person, or do I just want to avoid making them think less of me?
Can I seek the opinion of a trusted person who can provide an unbiased second opinion?
You Can’t Make People Value You
One of the main reasons we need to consider the questions in the previous section before making changes based on one person’s opinion is simple – this change won’t guarantee that this person is going to value you more. True friendships and other relationships have to be based on being accepted as you are. If you’re constantly becoming someone else in an attempt to please those around you, you’ll wind up losing yourself and likely won’t feel any closer to or more valued by the people you’re changing for. One of the best ways to avoid becoming an always changing chameleon is to give yourself permission to be your unique self. It may sound cheesy but taking time to craft a personal bill of rights and repeat it each day can help you remember to value yourself and your own needs and goals. Some types of statements you may want to include in your personal bill of rights include things like:
I deserve to be loved and valued as I am
My opinion is as valuable as the opinions of others
I have the right to my own opinion
I’m allowed to say no when I feel uncomfortable, unwilling, or unable to perform a task
I am enough now without any change
Sometimes Good Enough Is Good Enough
Sometimes our problematic thinking patterns are turned inward. We find ourselves second guessing every step we take, doubting our own abilities, and feeling not good enough no matter how hard we work. Maybe you’ve heard people talk about this as perfectionism. If you’re ready to become a recovering perfectionist repeat after me, “Sometimes good enough is good enough.” That’s it. That’s the whole lesson. When you find yourself feeling doubtful, anxious, worried, or second guessing your efforts, just repeat that simple statement. None of us are perfect, and sometimes, good enough really needs to be good enough.
This Uncomfortable Moment Isn’t Forever
A lot of people pleasing and perfectionism stems from discomfort. When we feel uncomfortable or worried what others will think of us, we make decisions or take actions that aren’t always in our best interest. One way to better manage discomfort in interpersonal situations is to live by the rule of fives. It’s simple. Consider whether the current upsetting circumstance is going to impact you for the next five seconds, five minutes, five hours, five days, five weeks, or five years. This is a good way to refocus your priorities. If something isn’t going to impact you for very long, maybe you walk away rather than trying to please the other person, especially if it will be detrimental to you. If a situation is likely to continue causing concerns for five weeks or longer, it’s time to address the issue without sacrificing your own needs and goals. It can be uncomfortable in the short term, but it can save you a lot of stress down the road.
Want to Talk About It?
Approval-seeking is learned through a lifetime of perceived positive and negative feedback. Learning to let go of the need for approval or perfection in personal and professional situations can also take time. If you’re ready to get started with the work of changing these lifelong patterns, I can support you through this process. I’m Ashley Pichardo, a licensed mental health counselor serving clients in New York and New Jersey. You can get started working with me by requesting an appointment online, calling (917) 522-1418, or emailing contact@apichardotherapy.com.
