The Complier
We’ve finally reached the end of our series on the five types of people pleasers named in the July blog, “Not All People Pleasers Are Created Equal.” (If you haven’t read it yet, you can do so here. You can also take the “Are You a People Pleaser” quiz here.)
To wrap things up, let’s zoom in on The Complier.
Who Is the Complier?
The “yes man,” so to speak. The over committer. The one who says something good or says nothing at all. The Complier is easygoing, and they go with the flow. You can always count on them to be there for you, but you can’t count on them to give you an honest opinion. They’re happy to lend a helping hand, but hesitant to ask for one.
Honestly, Compliers can be wonderful to have around. Wouldn’t you want a friend who is always up for eating at your favorite restaurant, is always available to help you move, and always sees your side of things? The trouble starts when you realize this friend doesn’t actually love sushi as much as you do. In fact, she hates it. And she wasn’t actually free that Saturday she spent eight hours helping you pack. She just didn’t want to say no. She was secretly angry about it for weeks.
The Complier can have trouble speaking up for themselves and voicing their own opinions. This can lead to secret resentment within them. At the same time, it can leave loved ones feeling like the Complier is distant, disingenuous, or disorienting.
Am I a Complier?
Do any of the following statements sound like you?
I often agree to go somewhere I don’t want to go without even knowing why.
I say, “Yes,” to anyone who asks for my help without considering whether I have the time or would even be good at the task.
If I don’t like a song or movie, then I just keep it to myself. When asked, I try to respond positively or even lie.
Even when I’ve put time and effort into a project, if a team member suggests taking it in a different direction, I will immediately scrap my plans and go with their idea.
If I sense someone wants to talk to me, I’ll stay and listen as long as they want, even when I don’t know them well and am not interested in the conversation.
From Compliant to Confident
If you had to choose, would you rather have a friend who always told you what you wanted to hear or one who was always honest? Which kind of friend are you?
It’s fine to defer to others’ preferences at times, but those around you need to hear from you. They need to know what you truly think, how you truly feel. If they care about you, they’ll want that. It takes confidence to speak your mind, to disagree, to offend. And confidence requires courage. Because it’s true: you might hurt someone’s feelings. But most likely, this will happen far less often and be far less severe than your fears would have you believe. In the meantime, those in your life are waiting to hear from the real you.
Need Help Finding Your Confidence?
Therapy can help you discover the root of the fears and desires that keep you saying, “yes,” when you’d rather say, “no.” If you’re looking for someone to help you identify and understand your own people pleasing tendencies, I’m Ashley Pichardo, a licensed mental health counselor, and I’m here to help. When you’re ready, please don’t hesitate to reach out.
