People Pleaser Type: The Merger
Through the end of this year, I’m continuing my monthly look at each of the five types of people pleasers identified in July’s blog, “Not All People Pleasers Are Created Equal.” (If you haven’t read it yet, you can do so here. You can also take the initial “Are You a People Pleaser” quiz here.)
This month, the spotlight is on The Merger.
Who Is the Merger?
The Merger can live as a people pleaser incognito. They could be the most pleasant, likable, and easygoing person you know. Whatever movie you’re in the mood for sounds great to them too. Whatever song is your jam, they’ll jam along with you. Whatever sport you’re watching, if they don’t already love it, they can’t wait to give it a try.
As their title suggests, the Merger tends to merge their personality and interests with whomever they’re around. They might do it so naturally and so frequently that they aren’t even fully aware it’s happening. It could affect behaviors ranging from fashion choices to sense of humor to political opinions. While in the presence of those who appear to affirm or agree with them, the Merger might feel quite passionate or genuine about a topic. However, they may find themselves equally passionate about an opposing view a short time later once they’ve begun spending more time with a different crowd.
Another issue arises when the merger finds themselves with two or more people, each of whom they like and respect, who don’t see eye to eye with each other. Where does that leave the merger? How can they speak up and share their thoughts or opinions when they are presented with conflicting viewpoints and are unable to simply agree? In some cases, this can help the merger uncover their own true beliefs, but they may also just leave the situation missing out on time with friends.
Am I a Merger?
Do any of the following statements hit close to home?
I laugh at or tell jokes around some people which I wouldn’t dare tell or laugh at around others.
I can never settle on a style of dress/hair/makeup for very long.
I can enjoy nearly any sport, music, or movie if the people I’m with are also enjoying it.
I have very different friends and spend time doing very different things with each of them.
I can fit in with almost any group in almost any context with relative ease.
From Merger to Reclaimer
You might be wondering, “What’s so wrong with being flexible and diverse?” The answer is “nothing.” The world would undoubtedly be better if people were more flexible and diverse. But a much bigger question here is whether you know who you are when you’re alone. Can you confidently identify your unique likes, beliefs, and opinions without someone there to influence or affirm them? How long has it been since you truly made your own decision or spoke with your own voice?
Even if it’s been a while since you’ve reconnected with your unique self, she’s still in there. The people you’re merging with don’t know her like you do. How can they if you keep dressing her up or hiding her away? Neither are they responsible for her. It’s time to reconnect and reclaim that true self. Let others see that you’re more than just a reflection of their likes and dislikes. You’re you. The one and only.
Need Some Support as You Rediscover Your Own Voice?
Therapy can help you identify and reclaim the thoughts and feelings that are truly your own. It can also provide the language and safety to express them. If you could use a hand with this, I’m Ashley Pichardo, a licensed mental health counselor, and I’m here to help. When you’re ready, please don’t hesitate to reach out.
