Changing Challenging Habits with Grace

Whether it’s always going to sleep late or letting your boss convince you to come in over the weekend again when you already had plans, we all have habits we know we should change. If you’ve ever attempted to break a bad habit, you know it isn’t for the faint of heart. You might know a story about someone who quit cigarettes or sodas cold turkey and never looked back, but these success stories are the exception not the rule. Also, it may not have been their first attempt and they likely still have other habits they can’t seem to kick. 

The larger point is that it’s not only change that’s challenging, it’s not comparing ourselves to others or beating ourselves up when that change doesn’t come as quickly or easily as we expected.

There’s a Hole in Your Sidewalk

Portia Nelson was a cabaret singer in the 50s who wrote a best-selling self-help book called There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery. The title of this book comes from “Autobiography in Five Short Chapters,” a poem about the difficulty of changing habitual behaviors and becoming a better version of yourself. I encourage you to pause and search for “Autobiography in Five Short Chapters” online. You’ll find it readily available and it’ll only take a minute or two to read.

Did you do it? It’s a lovely poem, isn’t it? Even if you didn’t read the poem, let me sum it up with less eloquence. There is a hole in your sidewalk. You are going to fall in it. You’ll struggle to find a way out. Eventually, you’ll get out, but then you’ll forget or get distracted and fall right back in. You’ll learn ways to avoid the hole. You’ll fall in it less often (but maybe still occasionally). Finally, you’ll find a different sidewalk to walk down. 

The moral of the story is: Change is hard. And it takes time.

Finding a New Sidewalk

This is a beautiful extended metaphor, but it can also be deceptive. It might take 20 seconds to read, but as an “autobiography” it represents a lifetime of failure to change. We have no idea how many years passed between the day the speaker first fell in this hole and the day they finally took a different route. We may be tempted to think the point of this poem is to just stop walking down sidewalks with holes. We may even feel a bit of judgement toward the speaker. If this person had any sense, wouldn’t chapter five be chapter two? That’s how I’d do it. 

We can hope that change will be that simple, but it’s rarely the case. Part of the beauty of this poem is its honesty and vulnerable admission of how long it took to realize and implement the seemingly obvious. Another thing I love about this poem is how the progress between every chapter seems incremental, but by the end you feel a sense of lasting victory.

When writing our own autobiographies, it’s impossible to see the whole story because it hasn’t been finished yet. We can’t simply skip to the end, no matter how much we might want to. We have to take it one chapter at a time, failures and all.

Habits Are Human

Much like walking into a hole you already knew was there, finding yourself in a cycle of unhealthy behavior is frustrating. It’s easy to “should” all over yourself: I should’ve remembered that hole was there. I should’ve paid more attention. I shouldn’t have been looking at my phone. What the hell is wrong with me?

What’s wrong with you is that you’re human. Humans are creatures of habits and there are good reasons for this. One is that habitual behavior sort of runs on autopilot which frees up the brain to engage in more pressing matters. Another is that habits often bring a needed sense of familiarity and stability. So while some habits are “bad,” there’s nothing bad about being someone who has habits or trouble changing them. It’s natural.

To err is human. To repeat errors you swore you’d never do again is more human still. And of course, to forgive is divine, which includes forgiving yourself.

Need an Advocate & Support System for Change? I’m Here for You

If you’re struggling with making life changes or giving yourself grace when you fail, then knowing there’s someone in your corner can make a real difference. I’m Ashley Pichardo, a licensed mental health counselor – and maybe your new personal change advocate. When you’re ready to find out how, please don’t hesitate to reach out.